Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
