my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
