Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
