Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Everyone says I win the strip club
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
