take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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