What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
