If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
