btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
