Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
