I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
