I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
