Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
