Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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