He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
