im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
