i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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