nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
