All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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