I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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