he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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