i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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