i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
