At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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