Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
