i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
