Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
