his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
