Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
