i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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