Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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