our cab driver is having phone sex.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
