Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
