The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
