She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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