shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Randomize
