I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
