i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
