Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
