last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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