Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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