I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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