There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
