happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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