the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
