I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
