i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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