I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
