P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
