your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
