That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
